Friday, January 1, 2010

New Years....

It's a New Year. Another has passed already. I can't believe that it is 2010. 10 years ago, Steve and I spent our first New Years eve together and everything seemed so promising. We didn't do anything special. Just hung out with my mom and dad. Martin was all excited about staying up until midnight. He was six then. People thought the world was going to end and it didn't...LOL.

Forward ten years...

I really wanted this year to start off great and not be negative, leave old issues behind...I was finally getting over the grief of losing my dad in May. I knew once I got past his birthday December 23rd and Christmas, I was going to be okay. Life had other plans. My Pop-Pop (dad's father) who means the world to me since he is the only grandfather I ever knew. We never called him grandpa, just Pop-Pop. Pops for short. Pops got sick two weeks before Christmas. I didn't want to be a negative person but I knew it wasn't looking good. He had not been the same since losing my dad. He starting having troubles with his heart, just like my dad, and then he went down hill fast. I spoke to him at the hospital on Christmas. I knew the end was near, he didn't sound good. A man who jogged three miles a day, took no prescription pills, only vitamins and eat so healthy, was fading. Wednesday, Dec. 29, he was scheduled for heart surgery. I wanted to call him but I couldn't stand hearing him so weak. I know that morning he was gone. He didn't make it through surgery. I was at work and read my cousins status on facebook, that pops was gone.

My heart is breaking. I know that my dad is no longer alone and pops is no longer suffer. He has joined his baby, my dad. But it doesn't make the pain of it all hurt any less. I can't go back to NJ to say goodbye to him but there really isn't anything to say goodbye too, he has already been cremated.

In seven months, I have lost my dad and now my grandfather, two of the most important men in my life, next to my husband Steve. I have been numbing the pain with my aniexty medication but I know that is not healthy and I need to find a way to deal with all this grief.

Pops and Dad where ever your are, please know I love and miss you so much. I hope that you are in peace.